Of virginity, loneliness and cats.

An article i just read from the Sydney Morning Herald. 

Writing a column is a constant battle between writing about what is important and what is diverting. The tension between the two is obvious, no more so than this week, when I want to write about tax (important), but have been distracted by a frumpy, unemployed, middle-aged virgin (diverting). What reconciles the chasm between the two, between tax policy and Susan Boyle (the frumpy, unemployed, middle-aged virgin) is the phenomenon known as the wisdom of crowds.

The wisdom of crowds has been supremely evident during the past week since 4000 people in a concert hall in Glasgow began shifting in their seats as a frumpy, jowly, middle-aged woman stalked onto the stage and told the judges her dream was to be a professional singer and her role model was Elaine Paige. A ripple of discomfort and incredulity ran through the auditorium, and the judging panel, as the woman, Susan Boyle, nominated her song,I Dream A Dream from Les Miserables.

Earlier, Ms Boyle had been shown on the big screen eating a sandwich backstage, and telling judges she was unemployed, lived alone with her cat, Pebbles, had never been married, in fact, had never been kissed.

She sang in a church choir in a village of West Lothian, near Edinburgh, where she has lived alone in her childhood home since the death of her 91-year-old mother two years ago.

As she was about to sing there was collective hush as if 4000 people were about to watch a slow-motion social train wreck. By the time Ms Boyle had finished her song, the judges had been rendered irrelevant .

The audience was on its feet for a cheering, standing ovation. The rest is internet history. On YouTube, various videos featuring the performance have been viewed more than 34 million times around the world. It's gone global.

I recommend any reader with access to the internet, who has not seen these videos, to visit YouTube, search "Susan Boyle", and click on the video with the largest number of viewers (the wisdom of crowds) because that is the one which shows the whole saga, from backstage sandwich to stunned judges. It will make your day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

Must watch!

I think, if you're 25+ and have never dated, and love cats, my advice is you should be seeking help. 

*counts*, actually make that 30. :)

Absolute random.

Ah. It's been a while. And I won't bore you with details of why "it's been a while" but basically, it isn't procrastination, it's the filled schedule. Filled with random, random stuff.

Anyhow, I'll fill you in with the random stuff that I can think of now, the ones I think won't bore you?

1. I've moved! ..to literally the corner of where I used to stay. lol So in terms of location, not much to adapt to at all. Work is still 5 minutes walk away. :) And I can see darling harbour from one of the balconies, which is the one awesome thing.

2. I have a finance mid-sem paper on thurs. And to be perfectly honest, I was not stressed about it at all until this evening, after my gym session (will discuss this in more detail below). While walking back home, I started thinking of how, I dont have anymore time for it and am freaking out badly.

3. In my opinion, lecturers are academics who, expect students who excel in university to seriously, not have a life. I don't know about your university. But in my university, my faculty, every single damn Unit of Study Outline I get at the start of every damn semester, I'd see the horrifying "If you are an average student seeking to get an average result you are expected to spend at least 9hours each week on learning." Oh, that's for ONE subject :). 

4. I joined the gym :). And quite liking it, really. I actually woke up at 9ish on a Saturday morning, yesterday and went for pilates. Quite an achievement, don't you think?

5. I once heard a friend told me, pilates make you fart. I think I was the living proof yesterday. And mind you, it wasn't easy to let go of your gas (quietly) with one person kinda at the tip of your toes and another at the tip of your head.

6. Body pump is some serious work out.

7. I swear, when my alarm wakes me up tomorrow morning, and as I lay conscious on my bed, I probably won't be able to lift one arm to switch the alarm off. 

8. I'm so dramatic.

9. I quite am looking forward to white water rafting during the easter break :)

10. Not to mention, showbag shopping at the easter show!

11. Speaking of shopping, brings me to the marc cardigan I saw this evening :(. I want it la. It hugs my body so nicely, I nearly drooled.

12. No. 8 applies here again.

13. I'm going for yoga on Wednesday. First ever lesson since I first spoke of it, 3 years ago?

14. I ate Malaysian pancakes today! The thick ones selling at the corner of Pulau Tikus market. The ones with peanuts and sugar and yummmmmy flavour! Yes, had that at a Charity food fair with Malaysian food. mm YUm *closes eyes*

15. I spent nearly an hour just grating carrots this morning for the laksa stall. At the end of it? My fingernails were pretty much orange-y with zig-zaggy fingernail tips. Quite hilarious really. And another girl I know who spent her morning cutting cucumbers, had green-ish , moldy looking fingers... I had no idea that could happen. 

16. I like the fact that now they've switched the clock back, I'm only 2 hours ahead on Malaysia. So I saw my mum's face on skype just now after about 2 weeks already. But that also means, it gets dark earlier which is a bit depressing.

I have more to talk about. But, give me some time to elaborate and dramaticize them like I always do and I'll post it up. 

Meanwhile, wish me luck for tomorrow. And obviously, Thursday.

Time, time, time..

*title to be sung in accordance with Fallout Boy's America's Suitehearts*

Time. It's slipping from my grasp, slowly, subtly, gently, subconsciously. The weekends come as quick as they fly by. I barely have time to sit down and stare at my ceiling like how I always do back home in Penang. The 'ME times' when I'd just listen to my ipod and drift away, to a faraway, make up land, where everything is perfect. LOL Those times and those land..seem not just physically and mentally further now, they seem rather nonexistent and silly. Yea, I've lost those times when I'd just sit, look out of the balcony and think of random things. In fact, I barely have time to look at my toes and it usually takes kicking my big toe at the edge of something real hard, for me to look down at it, rub it with my face wincing in pain, and go.."Gee, these toenails need some trimming". ..And might I add, I haven't seen my mum's face on skype in..bout 3 weeks. I take advantage of travelling times to call her and speak to her. :(

So yes, it is uni. It's the workload, the never-ending assessments, the society events, the non-availability of my off days from uni due to work. But I still love work. :) My free time are scheduled to read up on uni reading materials/prepare for assessments. Yes, it's turning sad. And on the occasions where I book my weekend for social events, I suffer the night of that particular weekend and thereafter. And obviously there's housekeeping to do here and there. I miss my maid. I actually mean it literally. Well obviously there's the portion where I miss the luxury of having her around, the luxury of telling her "Kakak, please wash this top and I need to wear it tomorrow!" and actually having that top folded nicely on my bed the next day and the luxury of waking up at 11am, walking out of my room rubbing my eyes, telling her I want to eat pasta at 12pm to make it in time for my 1pm Physics class in college. Yea, that portion, but there's this other part, which is, she actually makes me laugh :). She does stupid/funny/nonsensical things that gives me the opportunity to annoy her.

..Time.

And I realized how my course is so short, I don't have time to lose if I want to get what I want to get right after I graduate, or a short period of time after. Hence, the cramming of all the things I need to do during my uni days and the things I want to do while I'm still at uni. And hence, I'm losing time and slowly, the ability to juggle all my wants and needs with the availability of time left to me. And yet I don't believe, you can't have everything. I've seen cases, inspirational cases which is sufficient for the time being.

I can see now, how they say, when your age reaches the double digits, every time the first digit turns to a bigger number, time flies faster. 

*takes a deep breath*

Just slow down a minute.

Uni has started! Boo. Was drawing out my schedule for the semester and I cannot help hating Thursdays for many reasons. Firstly, I start at 9 and finish at 6 with 3 hour gaps during the day which I have failed to fit in my PASS session because they don't have it on Thursdays. 

...Bla Bla Bla...

Anyhow,  I know I've abandoned this blog for some time. But I didn't have the inspiration to blog until 7 minutes ago, after watching Confessions of a Shopaholic. Yes, I LOVE the book. I love the entire series of the book because when I read the book, Rebecca Bloomwood wasn't a bimbo, for starters. I may not understand or know 'haute couture', but I accepted the many unique outfits and costumes worn by Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex & the City and actually think they are bloody fabulous. But in Shopaholic, Isla Fisher is all dolled up horrendously. Second of all, the movie was completely different from the book.

Rebecca was supposed to be working in Successful Savings as a financial journalist. Ironically, she is a shopaholic who has problems with her debts. Luke Brandon isn't her boss. She met him at press conferences since he owns a PR communications company, Brandon Communications. And so, one day, on her way to one of the press conferences, she saw the 'SALE' sign at a Denny & George outlet. Wanted to purchase a scarf, but realised, she left her credit card at her office and was short of $20 to pay by cash. When she was at the conference, she was trying to ask her friend for the $20 but since there were professionals from financial firms giving speeches at the front, she was caught busy talking by Luke who then asked her if she had any troubles. And she came up with an excuse that she needed to buy a scarf for her aunt who is terminally ill. Luke bought her story and lent her the $20. Right after the conference, she left for the store to purchase the scarf. THAT was how she got to know Luke. And they didn't go dancing at any restaurant on their first date. They went to the Ritz Carlton Hotel on their first date, for a dinner, mind you, which didn't turn out to just be a dinner of course.

And Alicia-bitch-longlegs works for Luke and isn't working for 'Elite' magazine!

Rebecca did not lie to Luke about Derek Smeath. She lied to her parents about him, that he was a stalker who is giving the excuse that she is in debt. 

The whole sale of her stuff things did happen, and the auction of the scarf. And Luke bidding for it both on the phone and through the girl. They all did. But it wasn't in 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'. It was in 'Shopaholic Abroad' or 'Shopaholic Takes Manhattan', when she was going to leave for Manhattan, he went to the airport. With her thinking, her Denny & George scarf was sold, he pulled it out of his pocket and tied it around her neck. THAT was the part that got me so awestruck I read it 5 times :). And occasionally, last time, I'd still open that chapter and read it, just that chapter. *except, in my imagination, the scarf was shorter. Real short. Like those you tie around your neck to give it a bit of volume*

I love it so much, when I'm about to finish any of the books, I usually can't bear to read the last chapter. Because after reading the last chapter, that world's gone. And you know how, by not reading the last chapter, you feel you're kind of still mingling around them?

I'm extremely disappointed at how the movie turned out :(. I've wanted to watch it since I first read it so I could visualise the faces of Rebecca and Luke. So they won't be a guy and girl with dark shaded egg shaped faces. But now I can't. Isla Fisher does not match my idea of Rebecca at all. And so I've decided, for the subsequent releases of the books, I'd read them and continue imagining it with the unknown faces.

Great, it's nearly 12am now. And I haven't got my bag packed for work tomorrow. And I thought I'd be able to indulge in reading my favourite story book of the..month, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini since I'm not doing any revision tonight. Aiya.

I'm back.

I'm back.

Got back, and slept thru the afternoon. I had no idea I was that tired until I got into the Pg-S'pore plane and fell asleep moments after the plane was as high as it's supposed to be. I normally don't fall asleep when I get to see the whole of Penang because really, how often do you get to see that awesome little island from up high? I slept right through that flight and woke up just for the snack that was served. Then, got onto the S'pore-Sydney with plans of watching a few movies. But was so tired, I watched only one and slept for the rest of the journey, waking up for meals and leg stretching only. And, I was fast asleep even when the plane was landing only to realised I've landed when it felt bumpy. 

Surprise, surprise, I did not cry at the airport, much to my surprise. I think I was too tired I didn't think of anything when I hugged everyone. And funny how, last year, somewhere around June-July when I was thinking of the day I have to leave Penang again in Feb'09, I already teared and actually cried. LOL I tried to think so I could cry when I was on the plane but I failed. I supposed, I was feeling quite optimistic then? But I'm reminded of how much I cried when mum left for Penang in May '08 when she came, and that's probably how she's feeling when she was at the airport and when she got home. Hmm.

Penang had been so much fun. I do miss everyone back home already. 

I had to go visit a doctor today because I discovered 7 dark red spots on my chin in the plane. And I told mum and she got all worried it might be shingles. So off I went, and the doctor suspected I may be hemorrhaging and he mentioned something along the lines of coagulation + platelets + yada yada yada [sorry I gave all my Biology knowledge back ever since er..3rd/4th December 2006] and so sent me for a blood test. This time, I saw 6 tubes of my blood. Hmm. Even if taking that amount of bloody isn't enough to make me feel sick, I think, the thought of it, makes me feel weak already. There goes my gym plan :). 

Then got back, and watched Princess Returning Pearl :). Shh, I don't think many people know of this yet. lol I love that series. hahaha. And then there was this part where the king fed the princess with some soup which is supposedly medicine. And I couldn't help but cry. 

I can't wait for the day when my parents will be in such close proximity to me, and at the same time, me not having to worry that I'd be leaving them soon, or they'd be leaving me. 

Oh, I'm starting again. lol

Anyhow, one advice mum gave before I left her last year. The one I've tried to avoid giving much thought to. The one I know will help me through the toughest of times and the one which will benefit all of you too. 

She said, "Never give yourself the luxury to indulge in self pity."

Alright then, I start work tomorrow and should sleep early. But before that, I need to pick what to wear. :)

Hmm.

- My B'day. (tick)
- KL Trip with parents. (tick)
- KL Trip with friends. (tick)
=> December. (tick)

:(

- Trip to Kota Bharu, Kelantan. (tick)
- Chinese New Year. (tick)
=> January. (tick)

sigh.

The little highlights of home are all ticked. I dare not think what I'd be doing this time next week.

Meanwhile, I've still got a couple of things to do before I go back.
1. Visit School.
2. Visit Disted again. (I didnt get to see Ah Huat the last time)
3. Char Siew Rice :)
4. Visit my Accounting teacher. I havent since before my Accounting paper for SPM. lol

And, I thought I'd find the answers I've been looking for this time I'm back (I'll talk about it some other time). While I've found most of them, there's still this bit that's left unknown. And I can't ask. Nor can I hint.

Yet, knowing the days are now numbered.

Hmm.

A Place Called Here.

Sometimes, people can go missing right before our very eyes. Sometimes, people discover you, even though they've been looking at you the entire time. Sometimes, we lose sight of ourselves when we're not paying enough attention. "Sometimes, we lose sight of ourselves when we're not paying enough attention". 

That's an extract from the book 'A Place Called Here' by Cecilia Ahern. I JUST finished the book this morning after..approximately 2 months. It's not that it has a bad story line, or that I hated the way it's written, but I was just not that into it. It didn't have the force to keep me going. 

"Sometimes, we lose sight of ourselves when we're not paying enough attention". This sentence keeps ringing in my mind. I don't know why, but it's like, I can't decipher it fully well. And my mind keeps repeating it like its some kind of mantra waiting for my brain to miraculously make more sense out of that phrase, more sense than I'm able to. But the much sense that I can make out of it is enough for me to like the sentence. Like how, we drift apart from our physical self when 'we're not paying enough attention'. 

Anyhow, about the book. I never intended for my blog to be where I'd write reviews about books or movies or tv series but I'm making Sex & the City and this one exceptions. The story tries to explain where 'lost' things go and I like the idea though it was rather unrealistic. In the story, when people, things, emotions and scents are lost, they all go this place called 'Here'. It didn't explain where exactly 'Here' is, but I assumed it was not on our map and it's like a 'magical place' in kiddy fairytales except it's NOT magical. It's like..where we live in now, but perhaps a little more backward. And the people that arrive there settle down, get married, have kids and die and so on. Just like us. 

But somehow, things can get lost from 'Here' too and that's when they get back to where we are. Not just things, even people can get lost from 'Here'. [You had to be extremely lucky to be lost from 'Here' because usually, that will not happen at all] I know it sounds bizarre. I thought it was too. lol But you know how, sometimes, you swear you put that hair pin on your dressing table and then you'd search high and low for it but it's not there. Then 2 days later, you find it on your study table? Yes, of course, you must have recalled by mistake. Or you must have used it once more and place it on your study table absent-mindedly. I know, logically that's an obviously better explanation. But I used to have a ring made by my friend when we were 8. And I'd wear it whenever I remember which usually happens in phases. Like I'd wear it for a week, removing it everytime I shower and putting it back on when I'm done. After that week, I'd forget all about it. Then after some time, I'd feel like wearing it again and start searching for it. Like everyone else, usually, when you make the effort to look for it, that thing just wouldn't be there. So I left it, for weeks and weeks. Then out of the blue, I'd find it, in the most obvious place. Ignoring how it'd miraculously appear in such an obvious place, I'd wear it for the few weeks again. And the cycle happens numerous times over a couple of years, until I was 14. And I didn't see it again. I don't remember being hyped up over losing it and my conscience tells me, I'd be if I did lose it, because it was a ring made by my best friend then. 

When I read the book, I thought of the ring and how, maybe it did land in 'Here'. And I wouldn't mind having it back again, if only it was one of the lucky things that found its way back.

Much like emotions, people and scents, they come and go like lost things. If only like in the book, we could choose what we want kept lost forever and what we'd like to restore from being lost. 

My habit.

I'm getting terribly used to this life already. Waking up in the morning, looking forward to a day out with friends. No worries. No problems except for curfews and friends calling me 'potong' because of my inevitable curfews. Contemplating between trying to somehow adjust back to life in Sydney or enjoying every bit of what's left here. I can't quite decide. 

Yes, it's quite funny I'm even contemplating on an attempt to 'somehow adjust back to life in Sydney'. But you see, a day after I arrive I start work. And while I was talking to a friend just then, the word 'Balance Sheet' kind of slipped off my mind already. For a moment, I wondered what a 'Balance Sheet' is for. Forgetting what Balance Sheets are for, is not at all cool. 

Thank goodness I made notes on stuff at work in my folder. Let's hope I made sufficient notes.

Anyhow, I haven't got around to think about much lately. Hence, the lack of any form of posts on my blog. But I found the previous one very inspiring, no? In fact, bloody inspiring, no?

__________

Besides going out, I've also made full use of having a piano. I play it almost every single day now. And I occasionally remind myself of how much I used to miss it back in Sydney and so with that in mind, I play longer every single time :). They say, as a pianist, your attitude towards the piano reflects on your habits and personality. The only example I can think of for myself is that, I generally don't like playing the same songs all the time. It's like, once I know how to play a song, I won't want to play it for a long time. And I'd prefer randomly picking up other songs, songs I've never heard before and just 'sight reading' them. Secondly, it's funny how the second time I play a song wouldn't be as nice as the first? By that I mean, after I've mastered a song. Like, after about 10 months of not playing, the very first time I played the songs when I got back, is still better than how I am playing the songs now. 

And that actually does reflect on my habits towards things in life. I do get sick of things pretty easily. When I like something, I'd use/play/do/eat/drink it until I get sick of it. Like how, I just realised, I get sick of games very easily, which my friends get annoyed at me for.  And come to think of it, I have always been. 

Old habits die hard, don't they?

Watch this.

Sex & the City.

I love sex and the city. Amongst the few American TV series I've been following, sex and the city is my favourite. I must admit, I don't watch all that many and the other few that I watch are Scrubs, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy and Boston Legal. In my opinion, sex and the city is the only series that one could relate their lives to. I suppose if I've watched it in Penang, before I've had a taste of Sydney, I'd think it's an exaggeration, I'd think it's a portrayal of the kind of lives we want but will never get. I suppose living in Sydney and Sex and the city did blend quite well.

Why do I not think it's an exaggeration? While it's true, when I first started, I thought, they gave me a very bias view of relationships. All sex and nothing else. BUt that was just the start. And there were random 'hit-on' sessions with random people that I would also have thought was impossible. But I did see those in Sydney.

Like in Malaysia we have 'The Sun' supplied to readers for free. In Sydney, they have 'mX' which is also given out everyday at various spots around the city. 'mX' is much like 'The Sun' except, I think, nothing about the economy and a lot more on celebrity gossips. Anyhow, there is this section in 'mX' where anyone can post 'messages'. YOu could dedicate to 'so and so' and whatever. But this section is always, always filled with messages by random people to random people like.."To that hot hunk who was on the north shore line train, I was the girl sitting opposite of you with the Gloria Jeans cup. Wanna have dinner some time?" or "Hey gorgeous who got off at Turramurra in the North shore line train, I was the guy who was standing next to u. Say hi the next time?"

Really, they actually do that. And on occasions, u see replies. No, I had a life, and didn't track down which was which reply. I know they were replies because they mentioned them explicitly in their 'messages'. But I was just shocked, people do actually meet random people in such a random way.

Anyhow, back to Sex and the city. The first time I had a glimpse of it was when I watched the movie. Yea, I started with the ending. lol It made me miss girl friends, a lot. And although I hated Samantha when I first started watching, by the end of Season 4, despite her promiscuity, I secretly wished I have a friend like her. A friend so supportive who would just show, say, and do what u need her to, at whatever time you need her to. And Samantha and Smith turned out to also be my favourite couple, maybe cause Smith was the only good looking hot hunk that ended up with one of the four. lol

Despite my craze for the series, I HATE the last episodes of season 6. I honestly do. Sorry for those who are still anticipating to actually finish the series, but it's bad. It was a happy ending but I hated how they put it back together. While I just, just said that sex and the city is the only series I think one could relate their lives to, they had to put in a 'fairytale-like' ending. They HAD to send Carrie all the way to Paris with Aleksandr and made up a fight, and they HAD to make Mr.Big realise that she's 'the one' while she's in Paris, and they HAD to make Mr. Big go all the way to Paris to get Carrie. And they HAD to show that cliche moment where Mr.Big and Carrie, both in a far away land, pass by each other by coincidence without realising that either was in such close proximity.

I think, it's quite an irony for someone who hasn't decided whether to believe in fairytales or not, to hate 'fairytale-like' stories. But then again, mummy says, fairytales never happens.

The First.

It's nice to have mum this close :). Albeit her quite busy schedule, I'm obviously her priority in these few weeks. We've been shopping, talking, eating and doing stuff I've been missing. I wish my vocabulary is better, but it's not, and so, all I can say about these wonderful moments spent with mum is that, 'It's been good'. 

And so, like I said, we've been talking bout randoms and about stuff girls do, and then she told me a story. A story about someone I know very well but I shan't disclose names or how I'm related or connected to that person. She told me that, this person, a guy, told her, that it is most difficult for a guy to let go of their first relationship. He dated his first back in school and after a couple of years, he went abroad to further his studies. Apparently, the girl vowed to wait for him, but she didn't. And when he got back, she was already with another. That was all many years ago now and he's also due to wed another girl soon. He seems happy with this girl he's about to settle down with, at least that's what everyone's been saying. But truth is, he still recalls and holds on to his first. 

I can't help but wonder, if guys were to hold on to their firsts, what happens to all their wives? Do they just go on with their lives and recalls those firsts, occasionally, wishing everything would turn out the way they want it to? If all guys go through that, wouldn't all women have to put up with these crap? 

Despite what his first did to him, he still feels that way, and still say what he said. While I've always thought, the notion of 'first love' was nothing more than pure bullshit, what he said really made me wondered, does the 'first' have such a huge impact on one, or is it just guys, or is it just him?

I'm too nice.

Sometimes, I think just recently, I've been thinking why I've been so nice when clearly I cannot tolerate it any longer. I want to breed just another word about it. But this mind that doesn't stop thinking for a moment, wonders, what if I play my cards wrong yet again.

I said I'll give myself one full week to assess the whole 'homecoming' crap. But just in 3 days, I've come to a conclusion, I know is true even after these 2 months, it's different, a lot more than I thought it would've been.

December

Today marks the second day of December, the month I favour most. Amongst the 12 months we have, this is the only month things are different, because they are not in order. There are usually nothing to worry about except for extremely trivial matters like, "should i have char koay teow or hokkien mee", "should i meet up with friends for a movie or stay in bed with my book" or "how do i get so and so to join us for bowling".  Basically, it marks the start of real holiday. And then of course, there's my birthday :).

I l.o.v.e my birthday. lol I'm 19 and I think I'm still slightly too over excited over my own birthday. I remember for the past few years, the mornings of 6th of December, I wake up with a smile on my face, literally, no kidding. I stare blankly at the ceiling of my room with this smile, which come to think of it, is actually quite weird. Maybe it's the prospective presents I can imagine receiving already, or the fact that I'm a year older, which signifies increase in maturity (hopefully) or the fact that I believe, on my birthday, nobody is to go against my wishes, just for this one day, just this 24 hours, this 1440 minutes or 86400 seconds. Oh, and of course I made myself a promise, that I will never have to work/study on my birthday. Anyhow, I don't know if its the fact that I'm a little more mature (haha) than I was a year ago, or that I'm away from home in a different environment, or this overwhelming exhilaration that I'm going home superseding 'MY BIRTHDAY' but I'm not all that excited about my birthday. While I was looking at the 'birthday alert' on facebook this afternoon, it just dawned on me that this Saturday, is my birthday, and it didn't really register, or rather, I just shrugged it off. 

So, my suitcases are pretty much ready to go. And while I have been elated that the day I'll be going to the airport, to personally catch a plane is almost here, it wasn't until yesterday that I REALLY wanted to be back in Penang. It wasn't until the moment I was walking out of the train at 6pm at Wynyard station that that immense feeling took over. I need a break from this pace. I need to be around laid back people again. I need to just relax and stop this routine. When the doors of the train opened, there were so many people rushing in, I had to squeeze my way out. And on the streets, people are just walking at this ridiculous speed, rushing to get some where. And of course, particularly, during peak hours, like 6pm on a weekday, all rushing to catch some form of transport back home. Everyone here walks fast, even when they're not rushing to get to anywhere in particular. When I first got here, me who walks really slowly, miraculously started walking fast because of the pace set by everyone else around on the streets. 

Then there's also this urge to drive after not having the wheels in my hands for nearly 10 months now. The urge so strong, I dragged my brother to play a game of daytona with me. Also, am suddenly sick of public transports and being driven and long long long car rides to get from one place to another. I miss the convenience of driving to that Chicken Rice Stall which is literally 8 minutes walk away from my apartment in Penang. 

So this year, there's one more reason to celebrate December, it's written on my Syd-Pg plane ticket. 

And I love Decembers.

This Room.

Just as I previously thought I had that blogging bug, I abandoned it for a week. Anyhow, it's been a busy week of work and 'randoms'. At last, I've started packing and while I was folding every single piece of top, I was imagining my mum's reaction when she opens my suitcase, and every single time I see a faint figure that resembles her in my imagination I try hard to shrug it off, only to appear again when I pick up yet another piece of top that is definitely foreign to her. I've made a list of stuff to remind myself to pack closer to the day I'll be flying off, which includes spectacles and shoes. lol I have totally forgotten I would need to pack these vital things.

I almost still cannot believe I'll be on Malaysian soil in less than a week. It feels like such a long time already. But because I've been keeping in touch with friends back home, it feels as though I've never really left. 

It was such an awesome feeling to pull down my gi-normous suitcase from the top of my wardrobe and filling it with stuff. I've been waiting to that for months la.

*Looks around my room*. As much as I've been dying to go back, I love this room. This room that is easily 2+ times bigger than the one back home. This room that has seen me get through all the crap I've been through this year, that has also been the one and only most comfortable place in the whole of Sydney. Physically, I love the wardrobes and the big-gy bed. Though initially, I kept telling myself how that cosy little room in Penang is so much better, I will miss this room for the next 2 months. And then it striked me, after 2 months, I'll be back here, and I could be sure, I'll be crying my eyes out when I walk back in. I could be sure that feeling of wanting to be back in that cosy room over this bigger one will crack me into tears again. 

Occasionally, I should STOP thinking .

Of utter boredom and shocking news.

I'm getting the blogging bug now. That feeling you have when you've jsut started something new/bought something new, I can't remember the term. That's the problem when you're too bored. Your brain doesn't function well. And I had an 'extremely blonde moment' today, as Sha said. LOL Received a text message from my dad and so was trying to call my mum but just her being herself, my 2 attempts of calling her was in vain. So I tried calling the house phone, I mean Penang house phone. But somehow or rather, I looked through my contact list and called 'home' which is the number for my Sydney house phone and it was directly next to me, 15cm away. 3 times, it rang, and it still didnt' strike me that I was the caller for that phone. I even attempted answering it the first time round and thought my brother was playing a prank on me. :S and then I realised. aiya

Text message from dad was about my uncle who's just passed away this morning, in his sleep. How scary. The last time I met him was probably the last time I went back to Kota Bharu, which has been a long time ago now, I don't even remember when it was. To just past away in your sleep, how peaceful but how..shocking. 

Reminds me of a letter I read at work on Wednesday. It was a letter from a man who's passed away a few months ago, a hand written letter of a dead man. I had never experienced something like that before. I had never read a hand written letter by a dead man. Though its contents was nothing special and nothing more than a letter written to an accountant, I couldn't help but teared a little. I had no idea how that happened but when I was reading it, somehow some kind of emotions took over me and before I realised, I was tearing up a lil. lol I had never met that man, never spoken to him, not even on the phone. But somehow the idea of reading his last words cracked me into tears. Funny how, despite having terminal cancer, part of his concern before going off was to make sure his finances are all in order. And yes, he was indeed very ill and we know that because after writing the letter, he couldn't make it to send it to us. 

AH. I am not particularly close to that uncle of mine. But he took care of my dad really well when he was young. Although we never bonded, the idea of not being able to see that one person for the rest of your life is terrifying. See how we take advantage of things when they're still around. 

Don't think my attempt to break a record of staying in bed this whole day is going to work. lol

Sequence

I went to watch "The Duchess" a while back and I recalled thinking a lot about 'sequence' since. You know how from ages 0-20 everything in life moves in pretty much perfect sequence. Baby+Toddler=learn how to walk, talk and play your time away. Kid=Start learning to learn. Then you attend school, high school, university, graduate and work. But that's just generic. That sequence occurs because your parents expect you to do that. Your peers expect you to do that. The uncles and aunties and grannies and kpc neighbours look forward to stories like that. ..and then what happens next?

Truth is, life doesn't have to be in this orderly sequence but because we were young, and we didn't know how else to live, we let ourselves indulge in this convenience. And I suppose, it's safe.

The movie taught me something. Sequence is so bloody important in life. An example from the movie, you meet someone and think that person's THE one and get married. Then you meet another person and this whole feeling comes about again. Yet again, truth is, there isn't just ONE out there. And if you meet them in the wrong order, that brings about the whole notion of having a 'poor' sequence led out in your life. I say, that sucks. Then you have the dilemma, cause you have a choice now. Beyond the age of 20, generically, there is no sequence anymore. That's the thing about getting the luxury of having choices because doing the right thing, isn't just about what other people think anymore. It's all about you and how you wanna lead on. And when something goes wrong, and you disappoint the other people who were affected, just simply throw in "OH, I've changed my mind". And for safety measure, put in "sorry" cause most people think that's an important element too, to 'make it right again'.

But then again, I suppose, reality is so much more interesting than happily ever afters.

Change

Hola, after months of contemplating, here I am, with a blog. I've wanted to create one since April and see how awesomely well I procrastinate.

Ah, been abroad for 10 months now (?), and I've only starting to write when I'm 15 days away from home :). Quite frankly, on one hand, it feels like I've left home since forever and all that has happened back in Penang seem rather foggy in my memory. On the other, it feels like these 10 months have flew by so quickly. I could still vividly remember the airport scene and that vulnerable feeling I had when I was in the plane right before it took off and I couldn't stop those tears from flowing despite trying so hard to, cause I was travelling alone and the last thing I wanted was someone to take advantage of my condition. And when I've finally calmed myself down, as the plane took off the Penang International Airport, I burst into tears again. lol

The first month felt like everything was supposed to be the way it was. And then I moved out from my aunt's place with my brother to the city :). Whilst, ':)' this, was what I had in mind, since it was in the city, it soon enough turned to :(. lol Shops were within 200metres away, but having only 3 days of uni, and the rest of the 2 days waking up to an empty home, felt horrendously awful. In no time, that piercing homesickness kicked in. That was when I started my search, my desperate search for a job, to kill time. The primary reason wasn't really JUST to kill time, but it soon became a very significant reason. But really, it's to, hopefully, beautify my resume and one very essential part was to start wearing work clothes :), an arena I've always wanted to venture in. 

I read a blog a few months ago, by a friend, who discussed how when we were young, we never stop wanting to grow up, despite having adults telling us how, they wish they were younger once again. We wanted to feel grown up. When we were in kindy, we wanted to wear those dark blue pinafore and go to school, school. And then, we wanted to go to secondary school cause somehow, it was just more appealing. Later, we just couldn't wait to graduate from high school and go to college and ditch all that nonsensical school rules and uniform. And because we were told, in college and university, there is no homework, no one to tell you, you have to complete your homework and punishment whatsoever. I was one of those, who just keeps anticipating the next 'chapter' in life. But I anticipated further, i think. From what I've gathered, not many of my peers look forward to working. I, on the other hand, have been wanting to work since I was..10. So really, when I found my present job, I was overjoyed. Even when I was called for the interview, I was elated because I know how rare an opportunity like that really is.

While I still stay true to my feelings about working, yes, I do prefer working to studying (cause of the fact that I come home, feeling 'light-headed'. No assignment due dates to worry about, exams, and *&^*&^% all those), it still didn't feel all that right. Even with the attire, I didn't feel grown up. Yes, with the collared shirt, pencil skirt, trench coat and shoe heels, outside these doors, I feel like one those people walking around the city, always rushing to get somewhere. But behind these doors, I feel like my old self, living in a bigger girl's life. It did, particularly when my boss talks to this other colleague who is also working casual and doing her 3rd year in uni, I feel incredibly small and intimidated. 

On many occasions and in many situations over the past few months, I question myself just how did I get myself involved and how in the first place, did I come about 'here'? Like, the job firstly, I barely have any knowledge about tax systems, let alone, Australian tax system which is unnecessarily complicating and I know nothing about common companies here which made work a little more tedious than it really is. Then, there was this musical that I helped out with at the last minute, a week before the actual play during the sem2 break, which was the break I really deserve after 9 weeks of uni+work. Because I had so much to catch up on and all that rehearsing took up my whole break but I think it was well worth it. I was a rather great experience. 

I've changed. I'm incredibly nice to people I don't know now. Back home, I'm barely nice to people I do know. lol I cook meals now, proper edible meals not sandwiches or instant noodles but rice with a few dishes (which is nearly always 2 only) kind of meals. I can take salad and sandwiches for meals now. That used to be mission impossible, btw. I do gym now. Ming Ying in Penang would complain if she had to walk from Gurney Plaza to Island Plaza. Ming Ying used to hate sweating, still do, but sweating while exercising seem to register as an exception now. I think..I'm more understanding now but I get pissed off even more easily. Just thought I'd jot down some changes for people back home to take note of before I arrive. haha

Anyhow, my initial intention in this first post was to talk about stuff I've been through for the past few months but obviously, it's not possible as I realise just how much there is to talk about. I'd say, life isn't all that happening since, but many things have happened silently. OH, this nearly slipped away. The post title isn't just about how much I have changed but I realised, how much people I know back home have changed. I thank technology for keeping me updated :).

p.s. ying eats onions now. See, told u I've changed.