This Room.

Just as I previously thought I had that blogging bug, I abandoned it for a week. Anyhow, it's been a busy week of work and 'randoms'. At last, I've started packing and while I was folding every single piece of top, I was imagining my mum's reaction when she opens my suitcase, and every single time I see a faint figure that resembles her in my imagination I try hard to shrug it off, only to appear again when I pick up yet another piece of top that is definitely foreign to her. I've made a list of stuff to remind myself to pack closer to the day I'll be flying off, which includes spectacles and shoes. lol I have totally forgotten I would need to pack these vital things.

I almost still cannot believe I'll be on Malaysian soil in less than a week. It feels like such a long time already. But because I've been keeping in touch with friends back home, it feels as though I've never really left. 

It was such an awesome feeling to pull down my gi-normous suitcase from the top of my wardrobe and filling it with stuff. I've been waiting to that for months la.

*Looks around my room*. As much as I've been dying to go back, I love this room. This room that is easily 2+ times bigger than the one back home. This room that has seen me get through all the crap I've been through this year, that has also been the one and only most comfortable place in the whole of Sydney. Physically, I love the wardrobes and the big-gy bed. Though initially, I kept telling myself how that cosy little room in Penang is so much better, I will miss this room for the next 2 months. And then it striked me, after 2 months, I'll be back here, and I could be sure, I'll be crying my eyes out when I walk back in. I could be sure that feeling of wanting to be back in that cosy room over this bigger one will crack me into tears again. 

Occasionally, I should STOP thinking .

Of utter boredom and shocking news.

I'm getting the blogging bug now. That feeling you have when you've jsut started something new/bought something new, I can't remember the term. That's the problem when you're too bored. Your brain doesn't function well. And I had an 'extremely blonde moment' today, as Sha said. LOL Received a text message from my dad and so was trying to call my mum but just her being herself, my 2 attempts of calling her was in vain. So I tried calling the house phone, I mean Penang house phone. But somehow or rather, I looked through my contact list and called 'home' which is the number for my Sydney house phone and it was directly next to me, 15cm away. 3 times, it rang, and it still didnt' strike me that I was the caller for that phone. I even attempted answering it the first time round and thought my brother was playing a prank on me. :S and then I realised. aiya

Text message from dad was about my uncle who's just passed away this morning, in his sleep. How scary. The last time I met him was probably the last time I went back to Kota Bharu, which has been a long time ago now, I don't even remember when it was. To just past away in your sleep, how peaceful but how..shocking. 

Reminds me of a letter I read at work on Wednesday. It was a letter from a man who's passed away a few months ago, a hand written letter of a dead man. I had never experienced something like that before. I had never read a hand written letter by a dead man. Though its contents was nothing special and nothing more than a letter written to an accountant, I couldn't help but teared a little. I had no idea how that happened but when I was reading it, somehow some kind of emotions took over me and before I realised, I was tearing up a lil. lol I had never met that man, never spoken to him, not even on the phone. But somehow the idea of reading his last words cracked me into tears. Funny how, despite having terminal cancer, part of his concern before going off was to make sure his finances are all in order. And yes, he was indeed very ill and we know that because after writing the letter, he couldn't make it to send it to us. 

AH. I am not particularly close to that uncle of mine. But he took care of my dad really well when he was young. Although we never bonded, the idea of not being able to see that one person for the rest of your life is terrifying. See how we take advantage of things when they're still around. 

Don't think my attempt to break a record of staying in bed this whole day is going to work. lol

Sequence

I went to watch "The Duchess" a while back and I recalled thinking a lot about 'sequence' since. You know how from ages 0-20 everything in life moves in pretty much perfect sequence. Baby+Toddler=learn how to walk, talk and play your time away. Kid=Start learning to learn. Then you attend school, high school, university, graduate and work. But that's just generic. That sequence occurs because your parents expect you to do that. Your peers expect you to do that. The uncles and aunties and grannies and kpc neighbours look forward to stories like that. ..and then what happens next?

Truth is, life doesn't have to be in this orderly sequence but because we were young, and we didn't know how else to live, we let ourselves indulge in this convenience. And I suppose, it's safe.

The movie taught me something. Sequence is so bloody important in life. An example from the movie, you meet someone and think that person's THE one and get married. Then you meet another person and this whole feeling comes about again. Yet again, truth is, there isn't just ONE out there. And if you meet them in the wrong order, that brings about the whole notion of having a 'poor' sequence led out in your life. I say, that sucks. Then you have the dilemma, cause you have a choice now. Beyond the age of 20, generically, there is no sequence anymore. That's the thing about getting the luxury of having choices because doing the right thing, isn't just about what other people think anymore. It's all about you and how you wanna lead on. And when something goes wrong, and you disappoint the other people who were affected, just simply throw in "OH, I've changed my mind". And for safety measure, put in "sorry" cause most people think that's an important element too, to 'make it right again'.

But then again, I suppose, reality is so much more interesting than happily ever afters.

Change

Hola, after months of contemplating, here I am, with a blog. I've wanted to create one since April and see how awesomely well I procrastinate.

Ah, been abroad for 10 months now (?), and I've only starting to write when I'm 15 days away from home :). Quite frankly, on one hand, it feels like I've left home since forever and all that has happened back in Penang seem rather foggy in my memory. On the other, it feels like these 10 months have flew by so quickly. I could still vividly remember the airport scene and that vulnerable feeling I had when I was in the plane right before it took off and I couldn't stop those tears from flowing despite trying so hard to, cause I was travelling alone and the last thing I wanted was someone to take advantage of my condition. And when I've finally calmed myself down, as the plane took off the Penang International Airport, I burst into tears again. lol

The first month felt like everything was supposed to be the way it was. And then I moved out from my aunt's place with my brother to the city :). Whilst, ':)' this, was what I had in mind, since it was in the city, it soon enough turned to :(. lol Shops were within 200metres away, but having only 3 days of uni, and the rest of the 2 days waking up to an empty home, felt horrendously awful. In no time, that piercing homesickness kicked in. That was when I started my search, my desperate search for a job, to kill time. The primary reason wasn't really JUST to kill time, but it soon became a very significant reason. But really, it's to, hopefully, beautify my resume and one very essential part was to start wearing work clothes :), an arena I've always wanted to venture in. 

I read a blog a few months ago, by a friend, who discussed how when we were young, we never stop wanting to grow up, despite having adults telling us how, they wish they were younger once again. We wanted to feel grown up. When we were in kindy, we wanted to wear those dark blue pinafore and go to school, school. And then, we wanted to go to secondary school cause somehow, it was just more appealing. Later, we just couldn't wait to graduate from high school and go to college and ditch all that nonsensical school rules and uniform. And because we were told, in college and university, there is no homework, no one to tell you, you have to complete your homework and punishment whatsoever. I was one of those, who just keeps anticipating the next 'chapter' in life. But I anticipated further, i think. From what I've gathered, not many of my peers look forward to working. I, on the other hand, have been wanting to work since I was..10. So really, when I found my present job, I was overjoyed. Even when I was called for the interview, I was elated because I know how rare an opportunity like that really is.

While I still stay true to my feelings about working, yes, I do prefer working to studying (cause of the fact that I come home, feeling 'light-headed'. No assignment due dates to worry about, exams, and *&^*&^% all those), it still didn't feel all that right. Even with the attire, I didn't feel grown up. Yes, with the collared shirt, pencil skirt, trench coat and shoe heels, outside these doors, I feel like one those people walking around the city, always rushing to get somewhere. But behind these doors, I feel like my old self, living in a bigger girl's life. It did, particularly when my boss talks to this other colleague who is also working casual and doing her 3rd year in uni, I feel incredibly small and intimidated. 

On many occasions and in many situations over the past few months, I question myself just how did I get myself involved and how in the first place, did I come about 'here'? Like, the job firstly, I barely have any knowledge about tax systems, let alone, Australian tax system which is unnecessarily complicating and I know nothing about common companies here which made work a little more tedious than it really is. Then, there was this musical that I helped out with at the last minute, a week before the actual play during the sem2 break, which was the break I really deserve after 9 weeks of uni+work. Because I had so much to catch up on and all that rehearsing took up my whole break but I think it was well worth it. I was a rather great experience. 

I've changed. I'm incredibly nice to people I don't know now. Back home, I'm barely nice to people I do know. lol I cook meals now, proper edible meals not sandwiches or instant noodles but rice with a few dishes (which is nearly always 2 only) kind of meals. I can take salad and sandwiches for meals now. That used to be mission impossible, btw. I do gym now. Ming Ying in Penang would complain if she had to walk from Gurney Plaza to Island Plaza. Ming Ying used to hate sweating, still do, but sweating while exercising seem to register as an exception now. I think..I'm more understanding now but I get pissed off even more easily. Just thought I'd jot down some changes for people back home to take note of before I arrive. haha

Anyhow, my initial intention in this first post was to talk about stuff I've been through for the past few months but obviously, it's not possible as I realise just how much there is to talk about. I'd say, life isn't all that happening since, but many things have happened silently. OH, this nearly slipped away. The post title isn't just about how much I have changed but I realised, how much people I know back home have changed. I thank technology for keeping me updated :).

p.s. ying eats onions now. See, told u I've changed.