Sex & the City.

I love sex and the city. Amongst the few American TV series I've been following, sex and the city is my favourite. I must admit, I don't watch all that many and the other few that I watch are Scrubs, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy and Boston Legal. In my opinion, sex and the city is the only series that one could relate their lives to. I suppose if I've watched it in Penang, before I've had a taste of Sydney, I'd think it's an exaggeration, I'd think it's a portrayal of the kind of lives we want but will never get. I suppose living in Sydney and Sex and the city did blend quite well.

Why do I not think it's an exaggeration? While it's true, when I first started, I thought, they gave me a very bias view of relationships. All sex and nothing else. BUt that was just the start. And there were random 'hit-on' sessions with random people that I would also have thought was impossible. But I did see those in Sydney.

Like in Malaysia we have 'The Sun' supplied to readers for free. In Sydney, they have 'mX' which is also given out everyday at various spots around the city. 'mX' is much like 'The Sun' except, I think, nothing about the economy and a lot more on celebrity gossips. Anyhow, there is this section in 'mX' where anyone can post 'messages'. YOu could dedicate to 'so and so' and whatever. But this section is always, always filled with messages by random people to random people like.."To that hot hunk who was on the north shore line train, I was the girl sitting opposite of you with the Gloria Jeans cup. Wanna have dinner some time?" or "Hey gorgeous who got off at Turramurra in the North shore line train, I was the guy who was standing next to u. Say hi the next time?"

Really, they actually do that. And on occasions, u see replies. No, I had a life, and didn't track down which was which reply. I know they were replies because they mentioned them explicitly in their 'messages'. But I was just shocked, people do actually meet random people in such a random way.

Anyhow, back to Sex and the city. The first time I had a glimpse of it was when I watched the movie. Yea, I started with the ending. lol It made me miss girl friends, a lot. And although I hated Samantha when I first started watching, by the end of Season 4, despite her promiscuity, I secretly wished I have a friend like her. A friend so supportive who would just show, say, and do what u need her to, at whatever time you need her to. And Samantha and Smith turned out to also be my favourite couple, maybe cause Smith was the only good looking hot hunk that ended up with one of the four. lol

Despite my craze for the series, I HATE the last episodes of season 6. I honestly do. Sorry for those who are still anticipating to actually finish the series, but it's bad. It was a happy ending but I hated how they put it back together. While I just, just said that sex and the city is the only series I think one could relate their lives to, they had to put in a 'fairytale-like' ending. They HAD to send Carrie all the way to Paris with Aleksandr and made up a fight, and they HAD to make Mr.Big realise that she's 'the one' while she's in Paris, and they HAD to make Mr. Big go all the way to Paris to get Carrie. And they HAD to show that cliche moment where Mr.Big and Carrie, both in a far away land, pass by each other by coincidence without realising that either was in such close proximity.

I think, it's quite an irony for someone who hasn't decided whether to believe in fairytales or not, to hate 'fairytale-like' stories. But then again, mummy says, fairytales never happens.

The First.

It's nice to have mum this close :). Albeit her quite busy schedule, I'm obviously her priority in these few weeks. We've been shopping, talking, eating and doing stuff I've been missing. I wish my vocabulary is better, but it's not, and so, all I can say about these wonderful moments spent with mum is that, 'It's been good'. 

And so, like I said, we've been talking bout randoms and about stuff girls do, and then she told me a story. A story about someone I know very well but I shan't disclose names or how I'm related or connected to that person. She told me that, this person, a guy, told her, that it is most difficult for a guy to let go of their first relationship. He dated his first back in school and after a couple of years, he went abroad to further his studies. Apparently, the girl vowed to wait for him, but she didn't. And when he got back, she was already with another. That was all many years ago now and he's also due to wed another girl soon. He seems happy with this girl he's about to settle down with, at least that's what everyone's been saying. But truth is, he still recalls and holds on to his first. 

I can't help but wonder, if guys were to hold on to their firsts, what happens to all their wives? Do they just go on with their lives and recalls those firsts, occasionally, wishing everything would turn out the way they want it to? If all guys go through that, wouldn't all women have to put up with these crap? 

Despite what his first did to him, he still feels that way, and still say what he said. While I've always thought, the notion of 'first love' was nothing more than pure bullshit, what he said really made me wondered, does the 'first' have such a huge impact on one, or is it just guys, or is it just him?

I'm too nice.

Sometimes, I think just recently, I've been thinking why I've been so nice when clearly I cannot tolerate it any longer. I want to breed just another word about it. But this mind that doesn't stop thinking for a moment, wonders, what if I play my cards wrong yet again.

I said I'll give myself one full week to assess the whole 'homecoming' crap. But just in 3 days, I've come to a conclusion, I know is true even after these 2 months, it's different, a lot more than I thought it would've been.

December

Today marks the second day of December, the month I favour most. Amongst the 12 months we have, this is the only month things are different, because they are not in order. There are usually nothing to worry about except for extremely trivial matters like, "should i have char koay teow or hokkien mee", "should i meet up with friends for a movie or stay in bed with my book" or "how do i get so and so to join us for bowling".  Basically, it marks the start of real holiday. And then of course, there's my birthday :).

I l.o.v.e my birthday. lol I'm 19 and I think I'm still slightly too over excited over my own birthday. I remember for the past few years, the mornings of 6th of December, I wake up with a smile on my face, literally, no kidding. I stare blankly at the ceiling of my room with this smile, which come to think of it, is actually quite weird. Maybe it's the prospective presents I can imagine receiving already, or the fact that I'm a year older, which signifies increase in maturity (hopefully) or the fact that I believe, on my birthday, nobody is to go against my wishes, just for this one day, just this 24 hours, this 1440 minutes or 86400 seconds. Oh, and of course I made myself a promise, that I will never have to work/study on my birthday. Anyhow, I don't know if its the fact that I'm a little more mature (haha) than I was a year ago, or that I'm away from home in a different environment, or this overwhelming exhilaration that I'm going home superseding 'MY BIRTHDAY' but I'm not all that excited about my birthday. While I was looking at the 'birthday alert' on facebook this afternoon, it just dawned on me that this Saturday, is my birthday, and it didn't really register, or rather, I just shrugged it off. 

So, my suitcases are pretty much ready to go. And while I have been elated that the day I'll be going to the airport, to personally catch a plane is almost here, it wasn't until yesterday that I REALLY wanted to be back in Penang. It wasn't until the moment I was walking out of the train at 6pm at Wynyard station that that immense feeling took over. I need a break from this pace. I need to be around laid back people again. I need to just relax and stop this routine. When the doors of the train opened, there were so many people rushing in, I had to squeeze my way out. And on the streets, people are just walking at this ridiculous speed, rushing to get some where. And of course, particularly, during peak hours, like 6pm on a weekday, all rushing to catch some form of transport back home. Everyone here walks fast, even when they're not rushing to get to anywhere in particular. When I first got here, me who walks really slowly, miraculously started walking fast because of the pace set by everyone else around on the streets. 

Then there's also this urge to drive after not having the wheels in my hands for nearly 10 months now. The urge so strong, I dragged my brother to play a game of daytona with me. Also, am suddenly sick of public transports and being driven and long long long car rides to get from one place to another. I miss the convenience of driving to that Chicken Rice Stall which is literally 8 minutes walk away from my apartment in Penang. 

So this year, there's one more reason to celebrate December, it's written on my Syd-Pg plane ticket. 

And I love Decembers.

This Room.

Just as I previously thought I had that blogging bug, I abandoned it for a week. Anyhow, it's been a busy week of work and 'randoms'. At last, I've started packing and while I was folding every single piece of top, I was imagining my mum's reaction when she opens my suitcase, and every single time I see a faint figure that resembles her in my imagination I try hard to shrug it off, only to appear again when I pick up yet another piece of top that is definitely foreign to her. I've made a list of stuff to remind myself to pack closer to the day I'll be flying off, which includes spectacles and shoes. lol I have totally forgotten I would need to pack these vital things.

I almost still cannot believe I'll be on Malaysian soil in less than a week. It feels like such a long time already. But because I've been keeping in touch with friends back home, it feels as though I've never really left. 

It was such an awesome feeling to pull down my gi-normous suitcase from the top of my wardrobe and filling it with stuff. I've been waiting to that for months la.

*Looks around my room*. As much as I've been dying to go back, I love this room. This room that is easily 2+ times bigger than the one back home. This room that has seen me get through all the crap I've been through this year, that has also been the one and only most comfortable place in the whole of Sydney. Physically, I love the wardrobes and the big-gy bed. Though initially, I kept telling myself how that cosy little room in Penang is so much better, I will miss this room for the next 2 months. And then it striked me, after 2 months, I'll be back here, and I could be sure, I'll be crying my eyes out when I walk back in. I could be sure that feeling of wanting to be back in that cosy room over this bigger one will crack me into tears again. 

Occasionally, I should STOP thinking .

Of utter boredom and shocking news.

I'm getting the blogging bug now. That feeling you have when you've jsut started something new/bought something new, I can't remember the term. That's the problem when you're too bored. Your brain doesn't function well. And I had an 'extremely blonde moment' today, as Sha said. LOL Received a text message from my dad and so was trying to call my mum but just her being herself, my 2 attempts of calling her was in vain. So I tried calling the house phone, I mean Penang house phone. But somehow or rather, I looked through my contact list and called 'home' which is the number for my Sydney house phone and it was directly next to me, 15cm away. 3 times, it rang, and it still didnt' strike me that I was the caller for that phone. I even attempted answering it the first time round and thought my brother was playing a prank on me. :S and then I realised. aiya

Text message from dad was about my uncle who's just passed away this morning, in his sleep. How scary. The last time I met him was probably the last time I went back to Kota Bharu, which has been a long time ago now, I don't even remember when it was. To just past away in your sleep, how peaceful but how..shocking. 

Reminds me of a letter I read at work on Wednesday. It was a letter from a man who's passed away a few months ago, a hand written letter of a dead man. I had never experienced something like that before. I had never read a hand written letter by a dead man. Though its contents was nothing special and nothing more than a letter written to an accountant, I couldn't help but teared a little. I had no idea how that happened but when I was reading it, somehow some kind of emotions took over me and before I realised, I was tearing up a lil. lol I had never met that man, never spoken to him, not even on the phone. But somehow the idea of reading his last words cracked me into tears. Funny how, despite having terminal cancer, part of his concern before going off was to make sure his finances are all in order. And yes, he was indeed very ill and we know that because after writing the letter, he couldn't make it to send it to us. 

AH. I am not particularly close to that uncle of mine. But he took care of my dad really well when he was young. Although we never bonded, the idea of not being able to see that one person for the rest of your life is terrifying. See how we take advantage of things when they're still around. 

Don't think my attempt to break a record of staying in bed this whole day is going to work. lol

Sequence

I went to watch "The Duchess" a while back and I recalled thinking a lot about 'sequence' since. You know how from ages 0-20 everything in life moves in pretty much perfect sequence. Baby+Toddler=learn how to walk, talk and play your time away. Kid=Start learning to learn. Then you attend school, high school, university, graduate and work. But that's just generic. That sequence occurs because your parents expect you to do that. Your peers expect you to do that. The uncles and aunties and grannies and kpc neighbours look forward to stories like that. ..and then what happens next?

Truth is, life doesn't have to be in this orderly sequence but because we were young, and we didn't know how else to live, we let ourselves indulge in this convenience. And I suppose, it's safe.

The movie taught me something. Sequence is so bloody important in life. An example from the movie, you meet someone and think that person's THE one and get married. Then you meet another person and this whole feeling comes about again. Yet again, truth is, there isn't just ONE out there. And if you meet them in the wrong order, that brings about the whole notion of having a 'poor' sequence led out in your life. I say, that sucks. Then you have the dilemma, cause you have a choice now. Beyond the age of 20, generically, there is no sequence anymore. That's the thing about getting the luxury of having choices because doing the right thing, isn't just about what other people think anymore. It's all about you and how you wanna lead on. And when something goes wrong, and you disappoint the other people who were affected, just simply throw in "OH, I've changed my mind". And for safety measure, put in "sorry" cause most people think that's an important element too, to 'make it right again'.

But then again, I suppose, reality is so much more interesting than happily ever afters.

Change

Hola, after months of contemplating, here I am, with a blog. I've wanted to create one since April and see how awesomely well I procrastinate.

Ah, been abroad for 10 months now (?), and I've only starting to write when I'm 15 days away from home :). Quite frankly, on one hand, it feels like I've left home since forever and all that has happened back in Penang seem rather foggy in my memory. On the other, it feels like these 10 months have flew by so quickly. I could still vividly remember the airport scene and that vulnerable feeling I had when I was in the plane right before it took off and I couldn't stop those tears from flowing despite trying so hard to, cause I was travelling alone and the last thing I wanted was someone to take advantage of my condition. And when I've finally calmed myself down, as the plane took off the Penang International Airport, I burst into tears again. lol

The first month felt like everything was supposed to be the way it was. And then I moved out from my aunt's place with my brother to the city :). Whilst, ':)' this, was what I had in mind, since it was in the city, it soon enough turned to :(. lol Shops were within 200metres away, but having only 3 days of uni, and the rest of the 2 days waking up to an empty home, felt horrendously awful. In no time, that piercing homesickness kicked in. That was when I started my search, my desperate search for a job, to kill time. The primary reason wasn't really JUST to kill time, but it soon became a very significant reason. But really, it's to, hopefully, beautify my resume and one very essential part was to start wearing work clothes :), an arena I've always wanted to venture in. 

I read a blog a few months ago, by a friend, who discussed how when we were young, we never stop wanting to grow up, despite having adults telling us how, they wish they were younger once again. We wanted to feel grown up. When we were in kindy, we wanted to wear those dark blue pinafore and go to school, school. And then, we wanted to go to secondary school cause somehow, it was just more appealing. Later, we just couldn't wait to graduate from high school and go to college and ditch all that nonsensical school rules and uniform. And because we were told, in college and university, there is no homework, no one to tell you, you have to complete your homework and punishment whatsoever. I was one of those, who just keeps anticipating the next 'chapter' in life. But I anticipated further, i think. From what I've gathered, not many of my peers look forward to working. I, on the other hand, have been wanting to work since I was..10. So really, when I found my present job, I was overjoyed. Even when I was called for the interview, I was elated because I know how rare an opportunity like that really is.

While I still stay true to my feelings about working, yes, I do prefer working to studying (cause of the fact that I come home, feeling 'light-headed'. No assignment due dates to worry about, exams, and *&^*&^% all those), it still didn't feel all that right. Even with the attire, I didn't feel grown up. Yes, with the collared shirt, pencil skirt, trench coat and shoe heels, outside these doors, I feel like one those people walking around the city, always rushing to get somewhere. But behind these doors, I feel like my old self, living in a bigger girl's life. It did, particularly when my boss talks to this other colleague who is also working casual and doing her 3rd year in uni, I feel incredibly small and intimidated. 

On many occasions and in many situations over the past few months, I question myself just how did I get myself involved and how in the first place, did I come about 'here'? Like, the job firstly, I barely have any knowledge about tax systems, let alone, Australian tax system which is unnecessarily complicating and I know nothing about common companies here which made work a little more tedious than it really is. Then, there was this musical that I helped out with at the last minute, a week before the actual play during the sem2 break, which was the break I really deserve after 9 weeks of uni+work. Because I had so much to catch up on and all that rehearsing took up my whole break but I think it was well worth it. I was a rather great experience. 

I've changed. I'm incredibly nice to people I don't know now. Back home, I'm barely nice to people I do know. lol I cook meals now, proper edible meals not sandwiches or instant noodles but rice with a few dishes (which is nearly always 2 only) kind of meals. I can take salad and sandwiches for meals now. That used to be mission impossible, btw. I do gym now. Ming Ying in Penang would complain if she had to walk from Gurney Plaza to Island Plaza. Ming Ying used to hate sweating, still do, but sweating while exercising seem to register as an exception now. I think..I'm more understanding now but I get pissed off even more easily. Just thought I'd jot down some changes for people back home to take note of before I arrive. haha

Anyhow, my initial intention in this first post was to talk about stuff I've been through for the past few months but obviously, it's not possible as I realise just how much there is to talk about. I'd say, life isn't all that happening since, but many things have happened silently. OH, this nearly slipped away. The post title isn't just about how much I have changed but I realised, how much people I know back home have changed. I thank technology for keeping me updated :).

p.s. ying eats onions now. See, told u I've changed.